It seems almost every year Advent rolls around I think to myself .... It's Advent. What am I going to do? I really love Advent. So now I am trying to think what do I love about Advent? Let's start with the beginning...
1. It's before Christmas.
2. Advent is about being comfortable in the dark.
3. Advent is about Mary and her pregnancy.
4. Advent is the waiting period.
5. Advent prepares the way for the baby Jesus.
Maybe it's about being a Liturgical person. I realize that I really don't know too much about Advent. And what's funnier is I am not sure what I "love" about Advent. So before I go and sign up for some Advent retreat on line or pick up some book filled about Advent-ish readings, I better realize and understand what Advent really does represent for me.
Jan Richardson's Advent on-line retreat, she writes that Advent is a time of: mystery, anticipation, rejoicing in the dark and heading towards the "Light". This is good stuff here. And perhaps a good place to start. "Mystery" .... I am going to follow the wisdom of my dear friend and sit with "mystery" for a day or two to see what bubbles up.
Blessings to you all as you each find your own Advent path.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Happy Freaking Thanksgiving Y'all
Over the past few weeks, I have watched post after post on Facebook of what people are thankful for during this season of Thanksgiving. There's a part of me that's cynical about all these posts, but then there's the other part of me that enjoys seeing people's gratitude. So here's my list; it may not be as pretty as the ones posted on FB, but it's real....
1. I am grateful for the jerk that came to work at my office in March. I am now 100% sure I will quit by the time Alli graduates. I may not done that before he came because sometimes when we are comfortable we forget to follow our dreams.
2. I am grateful that today I am on call. I have a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving. I was adopted. A few years ago, I walked into my mother's home on Thanksgiving eve. I had been invited again to someone else's family Thanksgiving. As I listened and looked around I thought to myself "Who the hell are these people and why am I here?" Last year, I cooked and they all came here. That felt awkward. Today, I am invited out to three different homes for Thanksgiving. I am "stuck" here because I am on call. Next year someone else will be on call. I hope they find the gratitude in being "stuck".
3. I am grateful that the past 13 years I have been divorced and that I am not remarried. I had a choice 13 years ago stay or to leave. I left...with my daughters and not much else except knowing that I had done the right thing. The past 13 years were hard....sometimes I think I made it harder than it had to be. I made some screw ups, but screw ups aside, these kids of mine are freaking amazing!
4. I am grateful that I am freezing downstairs watching Grey's Anatomy on Thanksgiving day with my little dog next to me covered up by the quilt my little Granny made. The rest of my adopted family kept trying to change me or never really quite got me, but my little Granny gave me bubble baths with Ivory soap, made me quilts out of my curtains, made me Barbie clothes, fed me noodle soup, sweet rice and kolaches. She didn't speak English very good. She didn't have a lot of money, she didn't drive, but she loved ME.
5. I am grateful that this time next year I don't know where I will be living or where I will be working and that both my daughters will be at college. It's a little scary feeling, but it also feels exciting! Change me Divine Beloved into one who can believe that everything is already lined up and ready for me...all I need to do is follow the path ahead.
6. I am grateful that at my weight (which is not small) that I stood on stage in a red skirt and a red shirt that was too small ("It stretches. Just keep going!") belly dancing to a song titled Drama Queen and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life...really, really beautiful...deep in my skin beautiful...deep in my soul beautiful. This is in part thanks to my sweet friends who encouraged me to "dance on table tops" and to a lovely belly dancing instructor...friend...who with her joyous kind heart helped me heal years and years of self hate. Even though I don't remember much about belly dancing that night on stage...something changed in me forever. (The Spirituality of Belly Dancing)
Happy Freaking Thanksgiving Y'all.
1. I am grateful for the jerk that came to work at my office in March. I am now 100% sure I will quit by the time Alli graduates. I may not done that before he came because sometimes when we are comfortable we forget to follow our dreams.
2. I am grateful that today I am on call. I have a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving. I was adopted. A few years ago, I walked into my mother's home on Thanksgiving eve. I had been invited again to someone else's family Thanksgiving. As I listened and looked around I thought to myself "Who the hell are these people and why am I here?" Last year, I cooked and they all came here. That felt awkward. Today, I am invited out to three different homes for Thanksgiving. I am "stuck" here because I am on call. Next year someone else will be on call. I hope they find the gratitude in being "stuck".
3. I am grateful that the past 13 years I have been divorced and that I am not remarried. I had a choice 13 years ago stay or to leave. I left...with my daughters and not much else except knowing that I had done the right thing. The past 13 years were hard....sometimes I think I made it harder than it had to be. I made some screw ups, but screw ups aside, these kids of mine are freaking amazing!
4. I am grateful that I am freezing downstairs watching Grey's Anatomy on Thanksgiving day with my little dog next to me covered up by the quilt my little Granny made. The rest of my adopted family kept trying to change me or never really quite got me, but my little Granny gave me bubble baths with Ivory soap, made me quilts out of my curtains, made me Barbie clothes, fed me noodle soup, sweet rice and kolaches. She didn't speak English very good. She didn't have a lot of money, she didn't drive, but she loved ME.
5. I am grateful that this time next year I don't know where I will be living or where I will be working and that both my daughters will be at college. It's a little scary feeling, but it also feels exciting! Change me Divine Beloved into one who can believe that everything is already lined up and ready for me...all I need to do is follow the path ahead.
6. I am grateful that at my weight (which is not small) that I stood on stage in a red skirt and a red shirt that was too small ("It stretches. Just keep going!") belly dancing to a song titled Drama Queen and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life...really, really beautiful...deep in my skin beautiful...deep in my soul beautiful. This is in part thanks to my sweet friends who encouraged me to "dance on table tops" and to a lovely belly dancing instructor...friend...who with her joyous kind heart helped me heal years and years of self hate. Even though I don't remember much about belly dancing that night on stage...something changed in me forever. (The Spirituality of Belly Dancing)
Happy Freaking Thanksgiving Y'all.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Autumn Equinox .... Harvesting Time for the Soul
***This is a vulnerability warning label for this post. “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown
The last two days in Texas have felt like Fall especially this morning. The weather is cooler. It's just lovely! Another sign of cooler weather is the college girls are wearing Uggs with shorts and drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte. In Texas Fall is one of those seasons we can only attempt to be a part of by wearing Uggs, drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte, hanging Fall wreaths on our doors and love of high school and college football. Most of the time we are doing this while it is still in the 90s outside and our air conditioners are running inside.
As I have gotten older, it has become more important to me to reconnect with the cycles of the earth and moon. In a world full of gadgets and tuning out, I keep trying to tune in. Today is the Autumn Equinox. Here's a prayer:
CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, we praise you for this day, which marks the midpoint between the shortest and longest days of the year. We celebrate the workings of the Earth and it's place in the solar system. We recall the traditions of harvest festivals to thank you for providing food for the winter. Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony with the earth and all creation. For we pray in the name of the Life-Giver. Amen. From She Who Prays: A Woman's Interfaith Prayer Book by Jane Richardson Jensen and Patricia Harris-Watkins
Let's then talk about the "harvest". These days most of don't have a garden to harvest to give us food for the winter. Our local grocery store takes care of that for us. But if we tune into our soul and are in rhythm with the seasons of the earth, we began something this past Spring Equinox. We planted seeds. Now we begin the harvest of those seeds planted. A seed to me is a prayer. Fall Equinox for me includes a home altar that has items that represent the Fall. (It does not include Uggs or Pumpkin Spice Latte.) Although it may be fake Fall leaves, it represents the Fall harvest. Tune in and pray for a heart to help you discern what you may be harvesting this fall. Hang a Fall wreath and dress your table or altar (or aren't they really the same?) with fake fall leaves mixed with real pumpkins.
My harvest includes being DEPENDENT on God. "Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony.." That's the other piece of the Autumn Equinox is balance which is to me is harmony. I recently came out of a co-dependent relationship with God. I had been expecting God to rescue me and save me in self created drama...for the most part. I bring this up because being "dependent" on God is very different I am learning then being co-dependent on God. My biggest struggle has been managing my finances. Praying for God to help me managing my finances and yet expecting some kind of miracle. I think it was about me testing God to see if God really loved me, God would save me. I want to say it started 13 years ago when I divorced, but it's actually been part of my life's journey. I want to describe it as a struggle, but then I think of that word and it doesn't feel right either. Is it a love/hate relationship with God and money? God do you really love me? Prove it. But as I said in my previous post, God sent the boat and the helicopter and I just kept standing on my home while the water was rising saying "God save me if you love me." I am learning to be dependent on God and each day I start with "Thank you, God."
Dress the altar of your heart with God's grace and peace...add a few fake fall leaves and drink a little Pumpkin Spice Latte (or whatever represents Fall to you.) May your heart's desire be harvested this Autumn Equinox.
― Brené Brown
The last two days in Texas have felt like Fall especially this morning. The weather is cooler. It's just lovely! Another sign of cooler weather is the college girls are wearing Uggs with shorts and drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte. In Texas Fall is one of those seasons we can only attempt to be a part of by wearing Uggs, drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte, hanging Fall wreaths on our doors and love of high school and college football. Most of the time we are doing this while it is still in the 90s outside and our air conditioners are running inside.
As I have gotten older, it has become more important to me to reconnect with the cycles of the earth and moon. In a world full of gadgets and tuning out, I keep trying to tune in. Today is the Autumn Equinox. Here's a prayer:
CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, we praise you for this day, which marks the midpoint between the shortest and longest days of the year. We celebrate the workings of the Earth and it's place in the solar system. We recall the traditions of harvest festivals to thank you for providing food for the winter. Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony with the earth and all creation. For we pray in the name of the Life-Giver. Amen. From She Who Prays: A Woman's Interfaith Prayer Book by Jane Richardson Jensen and Patricia Harris-Watkins
Let's then talk about the "harvest". These days most of don't have a garden to harvest to give us food for the winter. Our local grocery store takes care of that for us. But if we tune into our soul and are in rhythm with the seasons of the earth, we began something this past Spring Equinox. We planted seeds. Now we begin the harvest of those seeds planted. A seed to me is a prayer. Fall Equinox for me includes a home altar that has items that represent the Fall. (It does not include Uggs or Pumpkin Spice Latte.) Although it may be fake Fall leaves, it represents the Fall harvest. Tune in and pray for a heart to help you discern what you may be harvesting this fall. Hang a Fall wreath and dress your table or altar (or aren't they really the same?) with fake fall leaves mixed with real pumpkins.
My harvest includes being DEPENDENT on God. "Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony.." That's the other piece of the Autumn Equinox is balance which is to me is harmony. I recently came out of a co-dependent relationship with God. I had been expecting God to rescue me and save me in self created drama...for the most part. I bring this up because being "dependent" on God is very different I am learning then being co-dependent on God. My biggest struggle has been managing my finances. Praying for God to help me managing my finances and yet expecting some kind of miracle. I think it was about me testing God to see if God really loved me, God would save me. I want to say it started 13 years ago when I divorced, but it's actually been part of my life's journey. I want to describe it as a struggle, but then I think of that word and it doesn't feel right either. Is it a love/hate relationship with God and money? God do you really love me? Prove it. But as I said in my previous post, God sent the boat and the helicopter and I just kept standing on my home while the water was rising saying "God save me if you love me." I am learning to be dependent on God and each day I start with "Thank you, God."
Dress the altar of your heart with God's grace and peace...add a few fake fall leaves and drink a little Pumpkin Spice Latte (or whatever represents Fall to you.) May your heart's desire be harvested this Autumn Equinox.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Time to dust off my shoes...
But whenever you enter a town and they do not welcome you,
go out into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town
that clings to our feet, we wipe off in protest against you.
Yet know this: the kingdom of God has come near.’
– Luke 10.10-11
go out into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town
that clings to our feet, we wipe off in protest against you.
Yet know this: the kingdom of God has come near.’
– Luke 10.10-11
I recently came across this scripture passage in Jan Richardson's Painted Prayer book along with her narrative and a blessing titled "A Blessing in the Dust". I encourage you to read it. http://paintedprayerbook.com/ It has provided so much inspiration for me in my daily life especially given my recent situation at my day job. I used to think giving up was not an option. This day job was how I provided for my family and I had to stick it out. I had to do whatever was necessary to keep my day job. Suck it up and keep working; even though you may be unhappy and even though you may be treated disrespectfully and even though there's a bully (or two). I used a lot of excuses that related to God. However, looking back, I am more like the guy who was standing on the roof of his house because of the floods and prayed God save me. God sent a boat and a helicopter to save him, but the guy didn't get it because he was waiting for God to save him. I can say this because I recently read through old journals. My heart was sad after reading them. My heart was sad because my cries and prayers and pleas to God were the same as today. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "Get over it already!" or as Cher says in the movie Moonstruck "Snap out of it already!" God has sent boats and helicopters and everything else already, quit whining and wipe the dust off and do something! Submit the resume. Send the email. And snap out of it already!
From Jan Richard's blessing...
" I promise you
there is a blessing
in the leaving,
in the dust shed
from your shoes
as you walk toward home—
not the one you left
but the one that waits ahead,
the one that already
reaches out for you
in welcome, in gladness
for the gifts
that none but you
could bring "
there is a blessing
in the leaving,
in the dust shed
from your shoes
as you walk toward home—
not the one you left
but the one that waits ahead,
the one that already
reaches out for you
in welcome, in gladness
for the gifts
that none but you
could bring "
Even Jesus knew when it was time to leave...time to dust off your feet and walk away and go home.
God's peace and grace to you all.
Monday, September 2, 2013
It's been a couple of years since I wrote here. That makes me feel a little sad. I have still been writing. I have journals full from the past two years. The last time was when Daughter A was leaving for college. Now Daughter B is starting her senior year. This time next year I will have an empty nest. My world feels a little uneasy right now.
My blog theme was Christian Spirituality for the Real World. I still stand by that theme...how do we live in the real world with bills and kids and 40 hour a week jobs and bullies at the same time keeping our heart humble and our connection to our spirituality? Attending church on Sunday is only a tiny little sliver of the pie. That's two hours a week...what about the rest of the week? How do we stay connected the rest of the time? I recently listened to a song that a friend had posted on her FB page. "Everything is Holy" is the name of the song. Our "church" cannot just exist in brick and mortar. Enjoy a little song and remember that EVERYTHING is Holy.
My blog theme was Christian Spirituality for the Real World. I still stand by that theme...how do we live in the real world with bills and kids and 40 hour a week jobs and bullies at the same time keeping our heart humble and our connection to our spirituality? Attending church on Sunday is only a tiny little sliver of the pie. That's two hours a week...what about the rest of the week? How do we stay connected the rest of the time? I recently listened to a song that a friend had posted on her FB page. "Everything is Holy" is the name of the song. Our "church" cannot just exist in brick and mortar. Enjoy a little song and remember that EVERYTHING is Holy.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
If I Needed You...
48 hours left before my oldest daughter moves out of state to college. My emotions are raw. For 2 days, I have cried off and on. How do I let go of her? How do I do this? It's not going the way I wanted it to all go. Things I wanted to say or write or buy her before she left. I haven't done them and some things I don't know if I can do them because they cost money. It breaks my heart.
This morning at church the reading was about the woman begging Jesus to help her child inflicted with demons. Jesus disregarded her. But like a mother, she fought fiercely for her child. That's what we mother's do. We fight fiercely for our children. I fought for her to go to this college out of state because it was her dream. Now, I am second guessing myself. I wanted to get out of town when I was 18 and not look back. I didn't. She's doing it right; going away to college. She is living her dreams and no one will stop her. She's fierce. I don't feel so fierce. I don't think I was ever fierce except when it came to protecting my daughters. I never lived my life fiercely.
On the way home from the gym, I heard a lovely Bonnie Bishop version of "If I Needed You". At first I thought of my daughter, if she needed me I would run to her. But what if I need her and her fierceness? I am just so proud of her. Can I really do this? Is there a choice?
If I Needed You - Bonnie Bishop
This morning at church the reading was about the woman begging Jesus to help her child inflicted with demons. Jesus disregarded her. But like a mother, she fought fiercely for her child. That's what we mother's do. We fight fiercely for our children. I fought for her to go to this college out of state because it was her dream. Now, I am second guessing myself. I wanted to get out of town when I was 18 and not look back. I didn't. She's doing it right; going away to college. She is living her dreams and no one will stop her. She's fierce. I don't feel so fierce. I don't think I was ever fierce except when it came to protecting my daughters. I never lived my life fiercely.
On the way home from the gym, I heard a lovely Bonnie Bishop version of "If I Needed You". At first I thought of my daughter, if she needed me I would run to her. But what if I need her and her fierceness? I am just so proud of her. Can I really do this? Is there a choice?
If I Needed You - Bonnie Bishop
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Through the Looking Glass
It's often said our children are our mirrors. I really didn't notice it as much as I do now that they are older. What's more intriguing about it is that each of my daughters mirrors a different part of my personality. Instead of looking through one mirror, it's like standing in a dressing room where you have mirrors that show all angels of you; plus you are standing naked in front of the mirrors. YIKES!!! There's a roll, a wrinkle, a stretch mark, a mole...Double YIKES!!! Was I really an emotional15 year old? Was I really an headstrong 18 year old who wanted so badly to leave my family and home? While looking in the mirror, we have an invitation to step through the mirror as Alice did to enter into a world of white rabbits in coats, chesser cats, mad hatters drinking tea and queens play croquet. The journey can stir up fear and confusion, healing and forgiveness...and most of all love for ourselves, families and especially our children. There's a statue to honor Lewis Carroll. The image of Alice entering the looking glass (the mirror) is haunting to me. However, I have to start at the beginning of my journey with Alice.
When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, we decided after much talk that her name would be Allison. We announced the news to her soon to be big sister that she would have a new little sister named Allison. Her big blue eyes opened wide and with excitement she asked "Alice in Wonderland?" Thus began the journey with Alice. Through out the years Alice has been part of our journey. It wasn't until recently with my dreams resembling Alice's journey that I began to put the pieces together. I haven't read Through the Looking Glass, but I believe it's time to explore the wisdom and magic of the book. I've read many quotes from it and each one is filled with much wisdom. Here's a link with a few Lewis Carroll Quotes .
For me, this journey is part of my spiritual journey as well. One can only enter into this journey through the mirror prayerfully with Christ as the light to illumine the path. I open my heart and prayerfully step through the mirror as my spiritual director prayerfully bares witness to the journey. Where is God and Jesus in this journey? Is this an opportunity for me to "do it differently" and heal the past? "O God, your word is a latern to my feet and a light unto my path." Weavings
When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, we decided after much talk that her name would be Allison. We announced the news to her soon to be big sister that she would have a new little sister named Allison. Her big blue eyes opened wide and with excitement she asked "Alice in Wonderland?" Thus began the journey with Alice. Through out the years Alice has been part of our journey. It wasn't until recently with my dreams resembling Alice's journey that I began to put the pieces together. I haven't read Through the Looking Glass, but I believe it's time to explore the wisdom and magic of the book. I've read many quotes from it and each one is filled with much wisdom. Here's a link with a few Lewis Carroll Quotes .
For me, this journey is part of my spiritual journey as well. One can only enter into this journey through the mirror prayerfully with Christ as the light to illumine the path. I open my heart and prayerfully step through the mirror as my spiritual director prayerfully bares witness to the journey. Where is God and Jesus in this journey? Is this an opportunity for me to "do it differently" and heal the past? "O God, your word is a latern to my feet and a light unto my path." Weavings
"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'
I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!"
— Lewis Carroll
I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!"
— Lewis Carroll
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