If I Needed You...

48 hours left before my oldest daughter moves out of state to college.  My emotions are raw.  For 2 days, I have cried off and on.  How do I let go of her? How do I do this?  It's not going the way I wanted it to all go.  Things I wanted to say or write or buy her before she left.  I haven't done them and some things I don't know if I can do them because they cost money.  It breaks my heart. 

This morning at church the reading was about the woman begging Jesus to help her child inflicted with demons.  Jesus disregarded her.  But like a mother, she fought fiercely for her child.  That's what we mother's do.  We fight fiercely for our children.  I fought for her to go to this college out of state because it was her dream.  Now, I am second guessing myself.  I wanted to get out of town when I was 18 and not look back.  I didn't. She's doing it right; going away to college.  She is living her dreams and no one will stop her.  She's fierce. I don't feel so fierce. I don't think I was ever fierce except when it came to protecting my daughters.  I never lived my life fiercely. 

On the way home from the gym, I heard a lovely Bonnie Bishop version of "If I Needed You". At first I thought of my daughter, if she needed me I would run to her.  But what if I need her and her fierceness?  I am just so proud of her.  Can I really do this?  Is there a choice?

If I Needed You - Bonnie Bishop 

Through the Looking Glass

It's often said our children are our mirrors.  I really didn't notice it as much as I do now that they are older.  What's more intriguing about it is that each of my daughters mirrors a different part of my personality.  Instead of looking through one mirror, it's like standing in a dressing room where you have mirrors that show all angels of you; plus you are standing naked in front of the mirrors.  YIKES!!!  There's a roll, a wrinkle, a stretch mark, a mole...Double YIKES!!!  Was I really an emotional15 year old?  Was I really an headstrong 18 year old who wanted so badly to leave my family and home?  While looking in the mirror, we have an invitation to step through the mirror as Alice did to enter into a world of white rabbits in coats, chesser cats, mad hatters drinking tea and queens play croquet.  The journey can stir up fear and confusion, healing and forgiveness...and most of all love for ourselves, families and especially our children.  There's a statue to honor Lewis Carroll.  The image of Alice entering the looking glass (the mirror) is haunting to me.  However, I have to start at the beginning of my journey with Alice. 

When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, we decided after much talk that her name would be Allison.  We announced the news to her soon to be big sister that she would have a new little sister named Allison.  Her big  blue eyes opened wide and with excitement she asked "Alice in Wonderland?"  Thus began the journey with Alice.  Through out the years Alice has been part of our journey.  It wasn't until recently with my dreams resembling Alice's journey that I began to put the pieces together.  I haven't read Through the Looking Glass, but I believe it's time to explore the wisdom and magic of the book.  I've read many quotes from it and each one is filled with much wisdom.  Here's a link with a few Lewis Carroll Quotes . 

For me, this journey is part of my spiritual journey as well.  One can only enter into this journey through the mirror prayerfully with Christ as the light to illumine the path.  I open my heart and prayerfully step through the mirror as my spiritual director prayerfully bares witness to the journey. Where is God and Jesus in this journey?   Is this an opportunity for me to "do it differently" and heal the past?  "O God, your word is a latern to my feet and a light unto my path."  Weavings 

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!"
— Lewis Carroll

What the heck is Spiritual Direction?

Today I am co-presenting on "What the heck is Spiritual Direction?" The funny thing is I am at a loss.  How do I answer that question?  How would I describe it? I've been in training for 2 years and in Spiritual Direction for 3 years.  Answering that question should just roll off my tongue. 

Spiritual Direction is not therapy.  I know this.  Spiritual Direction is not someone directing you on your spiritual path.  Spiritual Direction is an opportunity to be vulnerable with another and with God.  It is about being honest about your relationship with God.  It gives you an opportunity to share your confusion or be angry.  It gives you an opportunity to be vulnderable.  I don't know if I could actually define it because Spiritual Direction has, at it's heart, a different definition for each person that experiences it.  Spiritual Direction is as God is to each person, a living breathing experience that is often dictated by ones own relationship with God and with themselves.  Spiritual Direction is only as good as the person is honest and open and vulnerable in front of God. 

Psalm 139 "Lord, you have searched me out and known; you know my sitting down and my rising up; you discern my thoughts from afar."  No matter what kind of game you think you play with God and your Spiritual Director, hiding the truth from yourself and God.  We can think we play games and not reveal our inner most secrets from our Spiritual Director and God.  How vulnerable and open we are in spiritual direction is really up to the directee.  If we lie or hide how we really feel or what's really going on in our relationship with God to our Spiritaul Director, God still knows and God still loves. 

Being vulnerable is about being honest with yourself and God.  Being vulnerable is about loosing all sense fear and being judged by another person and God.  I have this vision as I write from the series The Tudors.  The Queen is laying on the ground sobbing and begging God to fill her womb with a son.  A similar scene in Eat, Pray, Love when Elizabeth is laying on the bathroom floor sobbing and praying.  (As a side note, I was disappointed in how the movie portrayed that scene because in the book it was to me a truly beautiful scene and a pivotal point. Here is an excerpt:  Excerpt from Eat, Love Pray: The bathroom prayer

What the heck is Spiritual Direction then?  The directee decides that each and every time they walk in the door. 

Baked Beans and The American President...the movie

I never know what to take to church lunches.  I cringe and struggle trying to come up with something to take.  Today it's a pre-July 4th picnic to honor local police and fire personnel.  What do you take to a July 4th picnic?  Today I am taking baked beans.  It's easy and quick.    I should be making my baked beans to take the picnic, but I spent my morning watching the movie The American President on Netflix.  It's been sitting in my queu for a while; I just never had time to watch it.  This morning I really didn't have time to just sit here and watch it.  I needed to make my baked beans, but the movie won.  I like this movie because of the beautiful romantic story involved.  Today though what caught my eye in addition to the beautiful romantic story was the speech that he gave about his political beliefs and the truths...and how he fought for love.  I have often wondered what the President is like as a "real person."  I have a fantasy about having a conversation with the President of the United States.  If my fantasy did come true and I could talk to the President of the United States what would I tell him?  Would I tell him that this year I didn't get raise at work because of budget cuts, but I was grateful to still have a job?  Would I tell him how I juggle things around to get through the 2 weeks until I get paid again?  Would I tell him I wish gas prices were lower?  Would I tell him that I think he should consider more of the senior citizens and the children?  Would I tell him what it's like out in the real world being a single parent, raising kids, working a regular job and living pay check to pay check? Or would I want to sit there and listen to him tell me his story.  My nature is to be listen...most of the times.  (My kids might argue otherwise!)  That's the heart of a spiritaul director..to listen.  I would want to know his heart and I would want to know his fears and his worries and I would want to know what he loves.  Show me your heart and soul, Mr. President.  That's why I like the movie The American President.  We see the heart and soul of the character Michael Douglas plays.  Does the President have a spiritual director who does not judge, but is simply present with him?  Does the President have the opportunity to be present with God?  I pray that he does. 

Once upon a time...

The really good stories that peole continue to tell today begin with "Once upon a time..." and end with "...and they lived happily ever after."  The stories have princesses and princes, dragons, elves, fairies, magic, good vs. evil...and good always prevails.  Even today, look at the huge success of Harry Potter.  This story...my story...has all of that, too.  But the dragons I have slayed are things like:  being a divorced single parent who is scared and lonely, working a 40 hour a week job that's saving grace is flexiable schedule and good benefits, going to the grocery store knowing that there's not enough money in my checking account, running late and driving in traffic, struggling with self esteem with all the cute and perkey and perfect cheerleader moms, living pay check to pay check, having made choices I would rather forget and spending my life searching for the Divine connection, God.  There is magic in this story.  The magic is my deep faith in God and that through all the dragon slaying, I'm still here today.  This story I am going to share with you is about balancing the real world with the spiritual world. 

I've read lots of books about spirituality, fiction and non fiction.   I just knew all those people writing books had the answers I was searching for in my journey.  I have a confession though; I haven't finished as many as I have began. There's a pile on and below my bedside table, there's a book in my purse, there's a book on hold for me at Barnes & Noble, there are books on my book shelves upstairs and downstairs.  I have read other people's stories.  Is this deep desire of wanting to tell my story my midlife crisis?  My oldest daughter going away to college and my life changing?   I'm sure all of that has something to do with it, but my desire to share my story is also about hopefully helping people who are on a similar path whether they are at the beginning or the middle or the end.  My desire is that my daughters not experience what I have experienced and hopefully my story will help them on their journey. 

Enter through the door and gather around as I begin to tell you a story, "Once upon a time... "