Cue up the ominous music..."Lent is coming..."

I am a "Cradle Episcopalian".  I was baptized as a child in the Episcopal Church and never left....well, not officially.  I did lots of exploring, but never completely let go of my Episcopal roots.  I would attend a Native American drum circle on Saturday and go to church on Sunday. As I have gotten older (and sometimes a little wiser), I can appreciate the liturgical calendar we use in the Episcopal Church.  The ebb and flow of the liturgical seasons remind us to stop and honor what's going on around us both in our internal and external lives.  

Although now as I am older (and sometimes a little wiser) my understanding and relationship with Lent has evolved to a deeper level, there's still a part of me that says "Lent is approaching..." and I hear the ominous music that might play in a movie when something intense is about to happen.  Then I start to have a little anxiety since Ash Wednesday is 3 days away and I have no plan. I ask myself "What am I giving up?"  Then my other side of my brain says "It's not about what you give up for Lent, but what you do."  And so my inner dialogue continues.  

I thought I would start at the beginning.  What is Lent? According to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent

Lent (Latin: Quadragesima - English: Fortieth) is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Day. The season of Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Thursday in the Roman Catholic Church. Other western denominations extends it until Easter Sunday.

The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial. Its institutional purpose is heightened in the annual commemoration of Holy Week, marking the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the tradition and events of the Bible beginning on Friday of Sorrows, further climaxing on Jesus' crucifixion on Good Friday, which ultimately culminates in the joyful celebration on Easter Sunday of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Yikes!  "prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial"  Now my anxiety level is even higher!!  This does not sound like the way I want to spend the next 40 days.  I just want to give up something and move on through the 40 days by doing things like when I was a little girl...I want to just give up chocolate every day (except Sunday) and breeze through it looking forward to Easter egg hunts, new Easter dresses and chocolate bunnies that by Easter have the tail missing from nibbling on it because it's hidden in the green plastic grass.    

 

 

"Lent is approaching..." cue up ominous music.  Perhaps this is really how we should look at Lent.  It's time to get serious folks.  We are a community of Christians.  Followers of Jesus Christ.  It's not all a big pep rally where we yell "Go Jesus!".  The good news is that we know the whole story.  We know that there is a happy ending to the story, but in the mean time, let's walk down this path and examine our lives, our intentions and our faith...what do we really believe about Jesus Christ?  Where in our lives are we willing to examine and ask forgiveness? 

 

As a spiritual director the question to the directee is always "Where is God in this?"  Only the directee and God know the answer to that question.  The answer for everyone single one of us is different.  Perhaps that's the question we might be asking ourselves in Lent "Where is God in this?" ...the next time I drop the "f bomb" at the car who pulled out in front of me or when I tell a little white lie about something that I am trying to get out of because I don't want to hurt that someone's feelings..."Where is God in this?" 

 

"Lent is coming..." Perhaps instead of hearing the ominous music, I might instead hear this song...  Jesus Remember Me - Taize  I do believe by starting at Lent, we can truly feel the joy of Easter morning. "Jesus remember me, when you come into your kingdom" Amen

 

 

 

 

What's the word? 2014

I really do gravitate towards this idea of a "word" for the New Year.  Last year my ego ruled my word selection and by the end of the year, I couldn't have told you what it was for the life of me!  I really wanted a cool word...you know?  So the word that I supposedly discerned wasn't really for me. 

This year I fiddled with the idea of the word.  I read some wonderful work by Christine Valters Paintner with the Abbey of the Arts.  She is the one who originally introduced to this idea of a word.  Nothing really came and I had kind of just given up.  Then tonight, as I sat here on my sofa with a fire, left over black-eyed peas and fresh cornbread, I realized I was making it too complicated.  I needed to go back to the basics because I have changed and what I thought I believed wasn't the same anymore...perhaps the real truth I never really took the time to understand or learn some things. 

Earlier this year I had read something about faith, hope and trust.  I was really a bit confused and asked almost everyone what they thought the difference was in faith and trust .... what did it mean to them.  I remember getting some really wonderful answers, but these answers were theirs, not mine.  So my word for this year is "Faith".  I am not going to analyze it or tear it apart.  I am going to feel faith, live faith, speak faith and be faith.  There's a part of me that wants to deeply understand so I can't analyze it or me or life any more.  My brain is tired.  My body is tired.  Faith.  And yes, for the record, I googled "what is the real meaning of faith".  I received over 100,000 entries.  I read one...maybe two...skimmed through a whole bunch.  That was their definition of faith.  I listened to some great songs about faith that someone blogged about. 

Until we meet here again in cyber world, I will leave with Hebrew 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 



Advent: O Come O Come Emanuel

It seems almost every year Advent rolls around I think to myself .... It's Advent.  What am I going to do? I really love Advent. So now I am trying to think what do I love about Advent?  Let's start with the beginning...

1.  It's before Christmas. 
2.  Advent is about being comfortable in the dark. 
3.  Advent is about Mary and her pregnancy.
4.  Advent is the waiting period.
5.  Advent prepares the way for the baby Jesus. 

Maybe it's about being a Liturgical person.  I realize that I really don't know too much about Advent.  And what's funnier is I am not sure what I "love" about Advent.  So before I go and sign up for some Advent retreat on line or pick up some book filled about Advent-ish readings, I better realize and understand what Advent really does represent for me. 

Jan Richardson's Advent on-line retreat, she writes that Advent is a time of:  mystery, anticipation, rejoicing in the dark and heading towards the "Light".  This is good stuff here.  And perhaps a good place to start.  "Mystery" .... I am going to follow the wisdom of my dear friend and sit with "mystery" for a day or two to see what bubbles up. 

Blessings to you all as you each find your own Advent path. 

Happy Freaking Thanksgiving Y'all

Over the past few weeks, I have watched post after post on Facebook of what people are thankful for during this season of Thanksgiving.  There's a part of me that's cynical about all these posts, but then there's the other part of me that enjoys seeing people's gratitude.  So here's my list; it may not be as pretty as the ones posted on FB, but it's real....

1. I am grateful for the jerk that came to work at my office in March.  I am now 100% sure I will quit by the time Alli graduates.  I may not done that before he came because sometimes when we are comfortable we forget to follow our dreams.
 
2.  I am grateful that today I am on call.  I have a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving.  I was adopted.  A few years ago, I walked into my mother's home on Thanksgiving eve. I had been invited again to someone else's family Thanksgiving.  As I listened and looked around I thought to myself "Who the hell are these people and why am I here?"  Last year, I cooked and they all came here.  That felt awkward.  Today, I am invited out to three different homes for Thanksgiving.  I am "stuck" here because I am on call.  Next year someone else will be on call.  I hope they find the gratitude in being "stuck". 

3.  I am grateful that the past 13 years I have been divorced and that I am not remarried.  I had a choice 13 years ago stay or to leave.  I left...with my daughters and not much else except knowing that I had done the right thing.  The past 13 years were hard....sometimes I think I made it harder than it had to be.  I made some screw ups, but screw ups aside, these kids of mine are freaking amazing!

4.  I am grateful that I am freezing downstairs watching Grey's Anatomy on Thanksgiving day with my little dog next to me covered up by the quilt my little Granny made.  The rest of my adopted family kept trying to change me or never really quite got me, but my little Granny gave me bubble baths with Ivory soap, made me quilts out of my curtains, made me Barbie clothes, fed me noodle soup, sweet rice and kolaches.  She didn't speak English very good.  She didn't have a lot of money, she didn't drive, but she loved ME. 

5.  I am grateful that this time next year I don't know where I will be living or where I will be working and that both my daughters will be at college.  It's a little scary feeling, but it also feels exciting!  Change me Divine Beloved into one who can believe that everything is already lined up and ready for me...all I need to do is follow the path ahead. 

6.  I am grateful that at my weight (which is not small) that I stood on stage in a red skirt and a red shirt that was too small ("It stretches.  Just keep going!") belly dancing to a song titled Drama Queen and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life...really, really beautiful...deep in my skin beautiful...deep in my soul beautiful.  This is in part thanks to my sweet friends who encouraged me to "dance on table tops" and to a lovely belly dancing instructor...friend...who with her joyous kind heart helped me heal years and years of self hate.  Even though I don't remember much about belly dancing that night on stage...something changed in me forever.  (The Spirituality of Belly Dancing)

Happy Freaking Thanksgiving Y'all. 

Autumn Equinox .... Harvesting Time for the Soul

***This is a vulnerability warning label for this post.  “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

The last two days in Texas have felt like Fall especially this morning.  The weather is cooler.  It's just lovely!  Another sign of cooler weather is the college girls are wearing Uggs with shorts and drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte.  In Texas Fall is one of those seasons we can only attempt to be a part of by wearing Uggs, drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte, hanging Fall wreaths on our doors and love of high school and college football.  Most of the time we are doing this while it is still in the 90s outside and our air conditioners are running inside. 

As I have gotten older, it has become more important to me to reconnect with the cycles of the earth and moon.  In a world full of gadgets and tuning out, I keep trying to tune in.  Today is the Autumn Equinox.  Here's a prayer:

CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, we praise you for this day, which marks the midpoint between the shortest and longest days of the year.  We celebrate the workings of the Earth and it's place in the solar system.  We recall the traditions of harvest festivals to thank you for providing food for the winter.  Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony with the earth and all creation.  For we pray in the name of the Life-Giver.  Amen.   From She Who Prays: A Woman's Interfaith Prayer Book by Jane Richardson Jensen and Patricia Harris-Watkins 

Let's then talk about the "harvest".  These days most of don't have a garden to harvest to give us food for the winter.  Our local grocery store takes care of that for us.  But if we tune into our soul and are in rhythm with the seasons of the earth, we began something this past Spring Equinox.  We planted seeds.  Now we begin the harvest of those seeds planted.  A seed to me is a prayer.  Fall Equinox for me includes a home altar that has items that represent the Fall.  (It does not include Uggs or Pumpkin Spice Latte.)  Although it may be fake Fall leaves, it represents the Fall harvest.  Tune in and pray for a heart to help you discern what you may be harvesting this fall.  Hang a Fall wreath and dress your table or altar (or aren't they really the same?)  with fake fall leaves mixed with real pumpkins. 

My harvest includes being DEPENDENT on God.  "Help us to depend on you for our sustenance and enable us to live in harmony.."  That's the other piece of the Autumn Equinox is balance which is to me is harmony.  I recently came out of a co-dependent relationship with God.  I had been expecting God to rescue me and save me in self created drama...for the most part.  I bring this up because being "dependent" on God is very different I am learning then being co-dependent on God.  My biggest struggle has been managing my finances.  Praying for God to help me managing my finances and yet expecting some kind of miracle.  I think it was about me testing God to see if God really loved me, God would save me.  I want to say it started 13 years ago when I divorced, but it's actually been part of my life's journey.  I want to describe it as a struggle, but then I think of that word and it doesn't feel right either.  Is it a love/hate relationship with God and money?   God do you really love me?  Prove it.  But as I said in my previous post, God sent the boat and the helicopter and I just kept standing on my home while the water was rising saying "God save me if you love me."  I am learning to be dependent on God and each day I start with "Thank you, God."  

Dress the altar of your heart with God's grace and peace...add a few fake fall leaves and drink a little Pumpkin Spice Latte (or whatever represents Fall to you.)  May your heart's desire be harvested this Autumn Equinox.

   


  

Time to dust off my shoes...

But whenever you enter a town and they do not welcome you,
go out into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town
that clings to our feet, we wipe off in protest against you.
Yet know this: the kingdom of God has come near.’ 
– Luke 10.10-11

 

 

I recently came across this scripture passage in Jan Richardson's Painted Prayer book along with her narrative and a blessing titled "A Blessing in the Dust".  I encourage you to read it.  http://paintedprayerbook.com/ It has provided so much inspiration for me in my daily life especially given my recent situation at my day job.  I used to think giving up was not an option.  This day job was how I provided for my family and  I had to stick it out.  I had to do whatever was necessary to keep my day job.  Suck it up and keep working; even though you may be unhappy and even though you may be treated disrespectfully and even though there's a bully (or two).  I used a lot of excuses that related to God.  However, looking back, I am more like the guy who was standing on the roof of his house because of the floods and prayed God save me.  God sent a boat and a helicopter to save him, but the guy didn't get it because he was waiting for God to save him.  I can say this because I recently read through old journals.  My heart was sad after reading them.  My heart was sad because my cries and prayers and pleas to God were the same as today.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "Get over it already!" or as Cher says in the movie Moonstruck "Snap out of it already!"  God has sent boats and helicopters and everything else already, quit whining and wipe the dust off and do something!  Submit the resume.  Send the email.  And snap out of it already!

 

 

From Jan Richard's blessing...

" I promise you
there is a blessing
in the leaving,
in the dust shed
from your shoes
as you walk toward home—
not the one you left
but the one that waits ahead,
the one that already
reaches out for you
in welcome, in gladness
for the gifts
that none but you
could bring "



 

Even Jesus knew when it was time to leave...time to dust off your feet and walk away and go home. 

God's peace and grace to you all. 

 



It's been a couple of years since I wrote here.  That makes me feel a little sad.  I have still been writing. I have journals full from the past two years. The last time was when Daughter A was leaving for college. Now Daughter B is starting her senior year.  This time next year I will have an empty nest.  My world feels a little uneasy right now. 

My blog theme was Christian Spirituality for the Real World.  I still stand by that theme...how do we live in the real world with bills and kids and 40 hour a week jobs and bullies at the same time keeping our heart humble and our connection to our spirituality?  Attending church on Sunday is only a tiny little sliver of the pie.  That's two hours a week...what about the rest of the week? How do we stay connected the rest of the time?  I recently listened to a song that a friend had posted on her FB page.  "Everything is Holy" is the name of the song.  Our "church" cannot just exist in brick and mortar.  Enjoy a little song and remember that EVERYTHING is Holy.